Overcoming People-Pleasing as a Highly Sensitive Person

Not that I’m always looking for silver linings (because I feel that’s largely unhelpful) but this time I found one in overcoming people pleasing as a highly-sensitive person. This flare up showed me where my people-pleasing has gotten much more sneaky.

Often when we talk about people pleasing, we think of:

• Agreeing to something even though we don’t have the time, energy or mental white space for it
• Offering to help even when we didn’t give ourselves a chance to think about it
• Bending over backwards to make sure someone else is happy. Even if it comes at the cost of our own wellbeing and mental health
• Changing how you show up with a different group of people to fit in (when you go against who you really are in order to feel accepted)

This time, my Inner People-Pleaser was so much more sneaky. 

How my Inner People-Pleaser Tricked my Inner Feminist

For the past several years, I’ve been working at home and my partner has continued to work outside the home. I know that what I do is still work and it’s still valid. But on some level I believed that because I was at home. I had to do all the housework AND my work. Oh ya, and I had to do all of that before my partner got home so that I could be free to do whatever he wanted in the evenings. 

Ugh. My Inner Feminist was sad when I made this discovery initially, but it’s so much more real now that I’ve written it down.

Of course, he doesn’t expect this. And of course, he is very supportive and clear that he understands my business is important. I have deadlines to meet, and he knows about them. Even though I set my own deadlines.

Even as I prioritized my recovery from the flare-up, I actively worried about the impact of my decisions on others

• • Was I disappointing anyone by not being as available?�

• • Was I letting people down by focusing on my recovery?�

• • It was as if I was constantly negotiating between what I needed and what I thought others expected of me. I chose to prioritize others’ implicit expectations over my own requirements.

• • Were other people thinking I was just being lazy?

But here’s the first truth about people-pleasing. It’s not just about what others want. It’s about what we *think* others want, and that’s where the real trouble begins.

The Origin Story: Where My People-Pleasing Began

To understand why people-pleasing runs so deep in my life. I dug into where it was really cemented in my brain. It’s funny how the most seemingly insignificant events can shape our behaviors for years to come. For me, it all began with a sewing project when I was a kid.

I was 11 or 12 and I was in our craft room with my mom. She was working on her own thing, and I was sewing something. I have always been good at starting things, but not always as great at finishing them. My neck and back hurt and I was getting tired. But, not wanting to quit, I tackled the project head-on, pouring all my energy into finishing.

It was late and I was packing things up and cleaning the sewing table when my mom asked me for help with her project. I shared how I was feeling and asked if I could help her with her project tomorrow. She said “Convenient that you had enough energy to do your own thing, but now you can’t help me with mine. Disappointing.”

I felt devastated, switched into people-pleasing mode and helped her with her project.

Unlearning: Overcoming People-Pleasing as a Highly Sensitive Person

This laid the foundation for a core belief of mine that I’m still working with. I need to push through and ignore my own needs to ensure that everyone around me gets the help they need.

Probably why I became a nurse.

I can see this pattern repeating itself in various forms throughout my life. It wasn’t always about sewing or tasks. The underlying need to gain approval, avoid conflict, or ensure that others were happy with me. It became a default mode of operation. One that was hard to break free from because, in a way, it was tied to my sense of safety and belonging.

This was also hard for me to break free from because our society is structured in such a way that people-pleasing is not only taught, but enforced.

My Inner Nerd: Overcoming People-Pleasing as a Highly Sensitive Person and Researching the Root

Because I’m a super nerd who can’t just leave things alone, I started digging into where people-pleasing comes from and why it’s such a pervasive issue for so many of us.

Overcoming People-Pleasing as a Highly Sensitive Person is a journey that requires understanding its roots. People-pleasing often starts in childhood, where we learn to associate our value with how well we meet the expectations of others. Especially authority figures like parents or teachers. In my case, that sewing project was a prime example. We may also learn to people-please as a way of coping with an unstable or unpredictable environment. If we’re constantly trying to keep the peace or avoid conflict, people-pleasing becomes a survival strategy.

But it’s not just about family dynamics; societal structures play a significant role too. We live in a culture that often rewards self-sacrifice and puts others’ needs above our own 

Historically, marginalized groups have been conditioned to please those in power to ensure their survival and acceptance. 

How People-Pleasing Continues to Perpetuate Oppression

Even today, the patterns of people-pleasing that originated from systemic oppression continue to impact marginalized communities. The need to conform and please is not just about personal insecurity but a reflection of ongoing societal pressures and inequities.

1. Systemic Inequality

In workplaces, for example, women and people of colour may still feel the need to go above and beyond to prove their worth in a system that marginalizes them. Where white men are often promoted based on their potential, women and people of colour are promoted based on accomplishments. This is why they might overwork themselves to be seen as indispensable. Driven by a fear of being overlooked or undervalued. This dynamic reinforces the power structures that keep these groups from achieving true equity.

2. Societal Expectations

The expectations placed on LGBTQ+ individuals to conform to heteronormative standards can lead to a cycle of self-neglect. The same goes for the BIPOC community. The more vocal and violent white community expects them to not only fit in, but also to “stay in their lane” and not push back against the systems that continue to oppress them. The pressure to fit in and avoid judgment can suppress authentic self-expression. Contribute to mental health challenges, perpetuating a cycle of people-pleasing to gain acceptance.

The Serving Versus Sabotaging Spectrum of People Pleasing

As I’ve been looking for ways to restructure my day as I recover from this flare up of M.E., I had a powerful realization. I knew that I didn’t want to work towards going back to the way things were before this flare up. I didn’t want to have my people pleaser pushing me to do all of my work AND everything around the house before my partner got home from work. But at the same time, I didn’t want to swing so far the other way that I’m completely ignoring his needs and objectively not doing “enough” around the house. 

So where was the middle ground? Did I need to redefine what people-pleasing meant to me just like I did when I redefined what high-achieving meant to me?

Not this time. This time, I decided I needed a new word in order to start releasing that drive to make sure everyone else is completely taken care of.

So now I’m looking to be ‘attentive’ to others’ needs, rather than trying to appease others’ needs.

The Difference Between Being Attentive Versus People-Pleasing

So, what’s the difference between being attentive to others’ needs and falling into the trap of people-pleasing? For me, it comes down to intention and energy. When I’m attentive to others’ needs, I’m doing so from a place of genuine care and connection. It’s about being present, listening, and offering support when I can—without compromising my own boundaries or well-being.

People-pleasing, on the other hand, feels more like a compulsion. It’s driven by fear—fear of rejection, disappointment, or conflict. It’s about trying to control how others perceive me or trying to prevent negative outcomes that may or may not even happen. And let’s be honest, it’s exhausting.

As I work on recovering from my flare-up, I’m making a conscious effort to notice when I’m slipping into people-pleasing territory. I’m learning to ask myself, “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel like I have to?” It’s a small but powerful shift that’s helping me realign with my values and needs.

I’m also redefining what it means to be “attentive” to others. Instead of trying to meet everyone’s needs or keep everyone happy, I’m focusing on being present with the people who matter most to me, while also honoring my own limits. This means setting clearer boundaries, saying “no” more often, and being okay with the fact that I can’t please everyone all the time.

Overcoming People-Pleasing as a Highly Sensitive Person

It’s a work in progress, but I’m starting to see that the more I prioritize my own well-being, the more I’m able to show up for others in a way that’s genuine and sustainable. I don’t have to lose myself in the process of caring for others—I can be attentive without being a people-pleaser.

People-pleasing is one of those habits that can feel so ingrained, it’s hard to imagine living without it. But I’m realizing that breaking free from it isn’t about becoming less caring or less attentive to others’ needs. I will breaking free from people-pleasing, set boundaries that prioritize my needs, and embrace my inherent worth.

The journey to unlearn people-pleasing is ongoing, and it’s not always easy. Step by step, I’m boldly shaping a life that honors my individuality, unfettered by the pressures of external expectations. And that, to me, feels like the ultimate act of self-care.