Overcoming All or Nothing Thinking with Chronic Illness. Some days I feel like a science experiment.
It’s as if I’m constantly adjusting variables in a grand experiment to discover the magic combination. Which makes life a little easier, a bit less painful, or calms one of my many chronic health issues.
I call this my “Inner Scientist” mode. A blend of curiosity and persistence that helps me navigate each day of living with chronic illnesses.
Sometimes, embracing this Inner Scientist serves me well. When introducing new foods to my diet, for example, I need to determine what my body, particularly my Mast-Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS…I call her Mabel), can tolerate. This approach helps me stay patient and inquisitive. Rather than succumbing to frustration when nothing seems to agree with my system. It turns a potentially disheartening process into a series of manageable, if not always successful, experiments.
But I’ve also come to realize that although I know I should be curious most of the time. Sometimes I don’t see that I’m getting stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. Recently, this hit me hard, and naturally. I wanted to share these insights with you because if my struggles can offer you some wisdom, then it’s all worth it.
All or nothing thinking is deeply intertwined with perfectionism. I see this in myself a lot. I often think that if something isn’t done perfectly, or if I’m not able to do it perfectly for whatever reason, it’s not worth doing at all. This mindset has crept into my approach to social media. I found myself reluctant to post unless I could commit to doing it five times a week and be super strategic and intentional with it. There was a voice telling me that if I couldn’t maintain this standard, I shouldn’t bother at all.
This is a classic example of all or nothing thinking. Instead of celebrating the small victories and the effort, I was stuck in a cycle of setting unattainable standards and inevitably falling short. This mindset is paralyzing. It prevents us from taking steps forward because we fear those steps won’t be perfect.
I also was setting myself up to not enjoy social media at all. For now, I’ve taken all the pressure off myself and have decided to just post what I want, when I want. For now.
Another way this mindset has shown up for me has been around pacing my energy. Living with multiple chronic illnesses means my energy levels are unpredictable. Some days, I have the vitality to tackle multiple tasks, while on others, even basic activities feel overwhelming. Those are the days when I celebrate that I got out of bed and put real pants on.
I’ve been able to accept and work with the fact that my energy capacity is going to be different every day. However, I felt that if I were to talk about energy management on this podcast or on social media, I should consistently maintain my energy every day. This is not just unrealistic but also unfair to myself.
What I’ve learned, and what I want to share with you, is that there’s profound meaning in the mess. There’s value in showing up, even when we’re not at our best. Authenticity isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being real. By sharing the ups and downs, the successes and the struggles, we create a more honest and relatable connection with others.
All or nothing thinking doesn’t just affect our actions; it influences our emotions and self-worth. On days when I felt unable to meet my high standards, I’d spiral into feelings of inadequacy and self-criticism. This emotional volatility is exhausting and counterproductive.
Recognizing this pattern was a turning point. I started to see that life isn’t black and white. It’s a spectrum of experiences, and there’s value in all parts of that spectrum. Embracing this perspective has been liberating. It allows me to celebrate my efforts, to see progress in incremental changes, and to be kinder to myself on days when things don’t go as planned.
So, how do we shift away from all or nothing thinking towards a more balanced approach? Here are some strategies that have helped me:
1. Set Realistic Goals: Break tasks into smaller, manageable parts. Celebrate each step forward, no matter how small. This approach not only makes large tasks less daunting but also provides a sense of accomplishment along the way. Also, when at all possible, I remove self-imposed deadlines. I know me, and I know that my Inner High Achiever is going to keep pushing me forward, so I don’t have to worry about ‘falling behind’.
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Self-compassion is a skill that most of us highly sensitive high achievers have had trained out of us. But, like I always say: if it’s a skill, it can be learned, and self-compassion is a skill. Take time to regularly acknowledge your efforts, honour the struggle, and give yourself grace to have an off day.
3. Embrace Imperfection: Accept that perfection is an illusion. Mistakes and setbacks are part of the learning process. By embracing imperfection, we open ourselves up to growth and new opportunities (and avoid the procrastination of covert procrastination).
4. Focus on Process, Not Outcome: Instead of fixating on the end result, pay attention to the journey. I was reading my cards from a new deck that my friend had when I went to her cottage for a week off, and it said: “A jetliner is constantly going off course, but through frequent, small course corrections, it arrives at its destination. So too will you arrive at yours.”
And boy oh boy did that ever land hard! This shift in focus from the destination to making “course corrections” can make life feel more meaningful and less pressured. Sure it takes time to figure out what exactly this means for you, but that’s exactly what course corrections are all about, aren’t they?
5. Create or Find a Supportive Environment: Surround yourself with people who understand and support your efforts. Sharing your struggles and victories with others can provide encouragement and perspective. I used to really struggle with vulnerability too, so I’ve wrote a separate article on vulnerability from a trauma informed perspective that I think you might enjoy if this idea scares the pants off ya.
One of the most powerful antidotes to all or nothing thinking is vulnerability. By openly sharing our struggles, we break the illusion that we need to have everything together. This is something I’ve been working on, especially in the context of social media. There’s immense value in showing up as we are, without pretense or trying to make it look different or more ‘put together’ than it really is.
I’ve come to realize that you connect more deeply with my honest, messy moments than with any perfectly curated post or article. It’s in the raw, unfiltered stories that we find common ground and true connection. When I share the reality of managing my energy, navigating chronic illness, and grappling with perfectionism, it resonates because it’s real.
Ultimately, moving away from all or nothing thinking is about finding strength in the in-between spaces. It’s about recognizing that we are not defined by our best or worst moments but by the entirety of our experiences. There’s beauty in the course corrections and in our ability to keep going despite challenges.
Some days, we might feel like science experiments, constantly adjusting and readjusting our approach to find what works. But it’s important to remember that this process is not about achieving perfection; it’s about learning, growing, and finding grace in our humanity.
After all, life isn’t about all or nothing—it’s about everything in between.
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