I’ve been struggling with a significant flare up of my Myalgic Encephalomyelitis for the past few months, with heavy brain fog and profound fatigue, and I am forced to confront how I need to stop seeing self-care as transactional. I’m sleeping 12 – 15 hours per day, while barely being able to do anything with the waking hours that I have because my energy and mental capacity is so low.
The smallest of tasks (like eating or showering) seem monumental.
Sure, it sucks and I’m not a fan of how the last few months have been. But, as it always seems to be in situations like this, I’ve found some insight.
I realized that I was seeing self-care as transactional.
I did this for myself so that I can then do that. Lied down with earplugs and an eyeshade for 20 minutes so that I can teach an hour-long virtual workshop. I mindfully drink a cup of tea before a session with a client to rest my brain so that I can ask really good questions and help them come up with deeper ah-ha moments.
It was almost always this for that.
Essentially, I was resting in order to hack the system (a.k.a. me) to get more productivity from myself. Truly, I wasn’t taking care of myself. I was manipulating my energy to get what I (and my high achiever) wanted.
This realization landed on me like a ton of bricks.
I have a deeply ingrained belief that self-care is only valid when it leads to something productive for others. And I doubt that I’m alone in this belief. Many of us have likely absorbed this belief without even realizing it. The concept of self-care as transactional is pervasive in our society, stemming from various cultural, social, and systemic influences that teach us to prioritize others over ourselves.
Let’s explore how different systems contribute to this mindset and why it’s so important to shift our understanding of self-care from being transactional to being intrinsic.
The understanding of self-care as transactional often begins in childhood. Whether it’s the subtle cues from family members, societal expectations, or the environments we grow up in, we’re taught that our worth is tied to what we can produce or how we can serve others.
Logically you can tell yourself that self-care isn’t selfish, but necessary. But the system keeps telling us otherwise and reinforces this with several societal structures.
Of course, these structures can be both serving and sabotaging. It’s up to us to learn what that spectrum looks like and decide how to bring these elements into the right balance for us.
One of the most significant influences on how we view self-care is capitalism, which is why learning how to stop seeing self-care as transactional is crucial. From a young age, we are conditioned to believe that our value lies in our productivity. We are praised for working hard, sacrificing sleep, and pushing through fatigue to achieve goals. I often see rest and self-care as indulgences rather than necessities, and the idea of taking time for oneself without a clear “return on investment” can feel selfish or unproductive. In this system, rest is only justified if it leads to more work, creating a cycle where self-care is never truly about care—it’s about efficiency.
This was one of my biggest hang-ups that kept me stuck in this view of self-care being transactional. I would rest so that I could do more for my business and my partner. I wasn’t resting because that’s what my body needed or to be compassionate to myself. It was really just a means to a hopefully more productive end.
I know it’s another feminist talking about the patriarchy. The truth is, though, that patriarchal structures often impose the expectation that people, particularly women and those socialized as caregivers, should prioritize the needs of others above their own. Care work, whether in the form of:
is often unpaid or underpaid, and undervalued. This reinforces the idea that one’s self-care is less important than caring for others. Of course this leads to internalized beliefs that taking time for oneself is selfish unless it serves the greater good. Which only further entrenches the transactional nature of self-care.
Many religious and cultural teachings emphasize self-sacrifice as a virtue, which can make it even harder to learn how to stop seeing self-care as transactional. While these teachings can provide a sense of purpose and community, they can also reinforce the idea that taking care of oneself is secondary to serving others. In some traditions, the notion of “dying to self” or putting others first is highly valued, leading individuals to deprioritize their own needs in the name of duty, service, or spiritual growth.
This is one that requires a lot of self-reflection to find the right balance for you. What may be balanced for me, might seem out of balance for you. So take some time with this one.
Our education system often prioritizes achievement over well-being. From a young age, children are rewarded for good grades, athletic achievements, and other forms of external validation. Rarely is there an emphasis on emotional intelligence, mental health, or self-care. This focus on achievement teaches us to measure our worth by our accomplishments, not by our overall well-being.
I’m sure all of us remember that one kid in class (or maybe it was you) who was frequently the best. They received bunches of gold stars and praise from the teachers. For some of us, especially my fellow high achievers, this meant we pushed ourselves to be like that person. We wanted the recognition in some form from our peers, teachers, family etc.
As adults, this can manifest as an inability to rest or take care of ourselves unless it leads to further success.
Hobbies are for personal development – not just fun for the sake of fun.
When self-care is seen as a transaction, it becomes just another item on the to-do list. It loses its true purpose—nurturing and sustaining us—and instead becomes a means to an end. This approach can lead to burnout, chronic stress, and a deep disconnect from our own needs.
For those of us who are high achievers, the tendency to view self-care as a productivity hack is particularly strong. We rest just enough to get back to work, rather than resting to truly recharge and nurture ourselves. Over time, this approach takes a toll on our physical, mental, and emotional health.
Also, the belief that we must always be available for others can lead to resentment and a sense of depletion. When we deprioritize our own self-care, we are not only doing a disservice to ourselves but also to those we care for. Constantly depleting our energy prevents us from showing up fully for others, which compromises the quality of our relationships and work.
Again, logically we know this, but it can be harder to have our emotional body agree. So how do we start to shift this view of self-care as transactional?
For me, the first step was planning my day around my self-care instead of my work.
Usually I’d write up my to-do list for the day, and then see where I could squeeze in self-care.
“Now, though, I’m being very strategic with what tasks I give myself, and I’m learning how to stop seeing self-care as transactional by prioritizing rest and relaxation. I’m giving myself permission to rest, take a break, sit outside or snuggle a kitty. I won’t be able to finish all the work today, no matter how hard I work.
Adjusting this expectation hasn’t been easy. But it’s already making a big difference in my self-talk. Instead of feeling panicked about needing to go back to sleep at 9 am and worrying about how much time I’m going to lose…well, I just sleep because I clearly need it.
Absolutely I still have some internal beliefs to work through that have been taught and perpetuated by capitalism, patriarchy, culture and my upbring. But for now, I’m liking where this new plan is taking me. So I’m going to follow it for a while and see where we end up.
In the meantime, I encourage you to take a moment to think about how the four societal structures:
influence your perspective on self-care. Think of what is serving and sabotaging about these factors – and then decide which course correction you’re going to start with.
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