How to Stop Judging Yourself

For years, I’ve been working with my clients through my own model of viewing our inner world, specifically focusing on how to stop judging yourself. It’s really grounded in observing the mind’s fluctuations rather than trying to change or merge them. At the time, I didn’t know this approach had a name or a deeper philosophical tradition behind it. As I continued to develop my therapeutic model, I felt like I needed a more structured framework for my work.

So when I first heard about Internal Family Systems (IFS), I thought I’d finally found “the thing.” The thing that is researched based that summarizes the structure that I’d intuitively developed and created.

IFS seemed like a great fit at the time—especially since it’s all about acknowledging the different parts of yourself. It was interesting and definitely helpful to some extent, but something kept nagging at me. It wasn’t clicking in the way I needed it to, and I couldn’t figure out why. 

Then, when I read the words of Swami Vivekananda I figured it out.

What IFS Taught Me About Myself and My Work

At first, IFS seemed like a perfect match. It talks about how we all have different parts, like the inner critic, the protector, or the wounded child. The goal of IFS is to integrate these parts into the whole self so that they work in harmony. This can sound like a dream for people who feel fragmented or overwhelmed by conflicting internal voices. And honestly, for many people, that can be a real game-changer. 

I worked with IFS for a while, both on myself and with clients. It helped me understand how different aspects of our personality play their own roles. Each trying to help or protect us in some way. But as I learned of IFS, the more I realized it wasn’t fully aligned with how I saw this work.

IFS asks us to take these parts and make them fit into a cohesive whole. It’s about integration—bringing all these fragments into one harmonious unit. And I get why that can be powerful, but it felt forced for me. I don’t think all parts of me are meant to merge into one being. It felt like I was pushing for something unnatural, and in doing so, I lost my grounding. Instead of feeling more whole, I felt more fragmented. Trying to bring pieces together that didn’t necessarily want to be integrated.

The Moment of Clarity: Discovering the Vedic Model

Then something happened that changed everything. I started studying Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras more deeply through the lens of Jnana Yoga. I found myself drawn to Swami Vivekananda’s interpretation and discussion, particularly around the concepts of chitta (mind-stuff), vrrtis (fluctuations of the mind), and atman (the true Self). 

The moment I read his explanations, it felt like a bell rang in my body. It was a moment when something clicks so deeply. You realize you’ve been doing it all along without knowing it had a name. Suddenly, I realized why IFS hadn’t felt right. I wasn’t supposed to integrate these parts of myself—or my clients. The work I’d already been doing, for years, was grounded in the Vedic model of observing the fluctuations of the mind, not integrating them. 

I believe and teach that these parts of us have their own voice and sometimes bring up some really good points! So why would I want to blend their voice with mine?

Think of it this way: You are the CEO of your brain, and all the other parts are like department heads. They are in charge of different aspects and have different views. But ultimately it’s up to you, the CEO, to decide what to do.

That is not how IFS works, though.

How to Stop Judging Yourself

In the Vedic tradition, atman—the true self, or the Objective Observer as I like to call it —remains untouched by the mind’s fluctuations. Fluctuations is an abstract word for this, but essentially it’s the meaning that we assign to things. Our interpretation. The story we tell ourselves. The ways that anxiety gets us circling in all of the what-ifs. Those thought fluctuations, called vrrtis, are like waves or ripples on the surface of a lake. You are not those waves. You’re the stillness underneath, the observer, the witness. The true self doesn’t need to “fix” or merge all these waves. You just need to watch them, learn from them, and decide what to do with the information they bring.

This was a huge revelation for me. I realized that this is exactly what I’d been doing for both myself and my clients all along. I wasn’t trying to “integrate” all the different parts of myself—I was observing them, learning from them, and making decisions based on that objective understanding. 

Connecting with your Objective Observer

What I like most about this view is the freedom it offers. It allows you, the true you, to be able to watch what’s happening in your mind, without having to change, fix or integrate it. 

You don’t have to be one quiet cohesive being where you’re the only voice in the room. 

That seems like a lot of pressure, actually. It means that I have to always be the one watching out for things to make sure that I’m on track. It also doesn’t mean I have to keep my mind quiet all the time.

That’s just not possible. The mind is a thinking machine.

Instead, you get to be the stillness at the center, observing the fluctuations, the stories, the thoughts, the meanings without being swayed by them. This is where you discover how to stop judging yourself. In this model, the mind is just doing what minds do—it’s fluctuating, reacting, and interpreting. And as the true self, you get to observe all of this without losing yourself in the noise.

How This Shift Influences My Work with Clients

This framework gave me the validation I didn’t even know I needed. I’d been working this way all along—teaching my clients to observe their thoughts, feelings, and internal “parts” without trying to integrate or fix them. I’d been encouraging them to take on the role of CEO, allowing the department heads to bring their reports but ultimately staying grounded in their own calm center.

Realizing that I’d already been working within the Vedic model—without even knowing it—was like finally finding the perfect language to describe what I do with my clients. 

In my one-on-one sessions and group programs, I guide people to become the observer of their own mind. We don’t try to “fix” every part of you. Instead, we work to understand what the mind’s fluctuations are telling us. 

This is especially powerful for highly sensitive high achievers, who often feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of thoughts, emotions, and sensations they experience. Rather than trying to merge or integrate all of those conflicting internal experiences, I help my clients create space and master the art of learning how to stop judging yourself. We learn to observe those experiences, to listen to the different parts, but we also learn that not every part needs to be integrated into who we are. 

How to Stop Judging Yourself: Moving Forward

While IFS can be incredibly helpful for many people—especially those who feel like their internal world is in conflict—I found that it wasn’t the right fit for me or for the work I do. I don’t believe every part of you needs to be integrated into one harmonious whole. Instead, I believe you can observe all of these parts from the position of the true self, without losing yourself in the process.

This approach brings a deeper sense of calm because it doesn’t demand that we fix or integrate everything about ourselves. Some parts of you are simply messengers, and you don’t need to merge them into your being to understand or appreciate the information they bring.

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed by all the different parts of yourself, I encourage you to try this approach. Instead of trying to fix or integrate everything, what if you could simply observe and learn how to stop judging yourself? What if you could allow yourself to be the CEO, making decisions from a place of calm and clarity, without needing to merge every part of yourself into one cohesive whole?